So, I’ve had a little excitement in my life recently. Over the past few weeks, I’ve had a chance to speak with an agent about my most recent manuscript. He’s given me some direction on changes to make and has taken the time out of his schedule to review my improvements. I realize this is no small matter – he gets nothing for this act and must genuinely be interested in my work! Yay!
In a recent conversation, he mentioned that he would like to discuss the possibility of representation sometime soon. I should be bouncing off the walls with excitement, right?
But, you see, I’m not…
I have a reserved amount of joy when it comes to the whole thing. And frankly, my reaction has confused the limited number of people I’ve told. Why wouldn’t I be elated? they ask. And with good reason. This morning I took a little time to evaluate my reaction, to try to pinpoint my trepidation regarding this whole venture.
Here’s what I discovered:
I don’t know what I want.
Yep! It’s that simple! Internally, I’m at war with what I truly want. For years I’ve dreamed of signing with an agent, selling my books to a publisher and seeing my name in print sitting on a shelf at Barnes & Noble. Yet, here I am, ready to claim that prize and I won’t allow myself the true joy that goes along with it. There are only two outcomes that I can see, and I just can’t decide which one I’d rather have!
Option A: I receive the contract. I will now have formal representation and will have a *better* chance of selling a book to a publisher (*I hope!) Score! But along with that comes responsibility that I just don’t face right now. Sure I set deadlines for myself, but these deadlines will be real. I will be held accountable and will have expectations placed on me that have never been there before. So, yeah… daunting, to say the least.
Option B: I don’t receive the contract. Ok, this would be a reason to celebrate, too, since life will continue the same as it has. No major changes that need to impact my family just yet. But, let’s be honest – I will most likely melt down into tears. Yes, I’ve prayed about this. Yes, I’ve asked God to only send a contract my way if it’s in His perfect Will but… well, I’m human. We’re all just kids really. When we don’t get what we want, it stings. And that ouchie will hurt so much worse than any other rejection letter I’ve received, because I’ve come so far in the process, this time.
And that’s it. I realize the war I’m feeling inside is basically because I just don’t know for sure which situation I’d rather have. So for now, I’m content to let God choose for me. Will I have joy with one or the other? Eventually… yes. But either way, the thing I need to reflect on is that God has got this. Whatever the outcome, it doesn’t matter because God is in control and I’d rather be in His Will than running a race all by myself.
Phew! Glad my brain has finally come to accept what God has so gently been nudging me to see. And although I may not be doing cartwheels just yet, I’m confident that God will give me the joy to celebrate whatever happens! I’m thankful I don’t have to do this thing, alone!
Happy reading, friends!